yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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