Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize