I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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