Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
