You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
