Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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