Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
im on a boat
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