so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
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