Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
