It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Every concussion has its silver lining
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
