seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
