Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
