I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
