She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
3pm strippers are depressing
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
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