Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
