i already hear my dad disowning me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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