Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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