The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
