If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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