Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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