i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize