my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
