theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
