Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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