If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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