Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
