I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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