so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
