she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Houston, we have a squirter
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Randomize
