i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize