After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
