There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
