I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize