i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
