I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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