Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
