I just gift wrapped bread.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
