On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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