I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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