i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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