This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
