After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
