He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
