Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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