mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
