I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
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