Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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