Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
