to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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