this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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