Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
