Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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