I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He felt like a one man threesome
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
