Did you just see the Batmobile???
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize