did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
