Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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