She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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