Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
