fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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