his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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