life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
