I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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