I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
