1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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