Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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