I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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