last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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