i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Randomize
